The Gospel According To Muldoon

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
Copyright © 1997-2017
All Rights Reserved

And God/Allah, bored to tears with universal darkness, said “Let there be light”. At that moment there ensued an enormous explosion of matter and energy that eventually facilitated life within its ambit.

From that first creative instant came to be born the planets of our galaxy, upon one of which it developed that life forms emerged. It took a bit longer than a week. Dr. Leakey’s research demonstrates that the first humanoid was not a man, but rather a woman that he named Lucy, and she was black. The Judeo Christian insistence that humanity has always looked like Sean Connery was called into serious question.

The earth was then as a garden from which humanity has forever been evicting itself through poor judgment regarding its use of the resources placed here for us by God/Allah. Who can blame God/Allah for being furious about empty beer cans and fried chicken buckets, real and figurative, strewn all over creation by lazy inebriated humanoids of every stripe and hue?

As in the case of the so called lower orders, humanoids began to breed. Copulation being the unmitigated fun that it is – especially for males – there ensued a worldwide population explosion. This tsunami of protoplasm eventually engulfed every part of the world even slightly hospitable to its invasion, and when lush idyllic locations were fully occupied, the march of protoplasm continued unabated. At least one “religion” (see below) claimed and still claims that procreation should be a punishment for copulation and that therefore birth control is an egregious sin against God/Allah.

Empty beer cans and chicken buckets ruined the landscape of the world to the extent that God/Allah decreed that humanity should pay a very high price for its wanton failure of stewardship. In this failure of stewardship, of earth and of population balance, there ensued the remedy – war. War tends to restore natural balance by removing large masses of people who would otherwise consume resources and produce greater population. War is, therefore, a necessary and blessed phenomenon. War also tends to erase unemployment, an added benefit. We honor our war dead for the blessings they have facilitated for our continued well being. Accidents cause people. War is the cure.

Those would without remorse trash the earth would also believe in stupid mind control mantras used by franchise organizations calling themselves churches. Churches, organized religious institutions, cannot exist without intense imposition of guilt. Guilt is fear. Making people afraid of God/Allah by portraying God/Allah as a very angry and vindictive old man who just can’t wait to shove it up your ass is a fantastic way to raise enormous fortunes. With that money one may establish incredible physical monuments chock-a-block with fine art and artifacts, relics of ancient psychopaths who saw visions every day and extrapolated from those visions an agenda full of fear and loathing, destruction and disaster – popularly known as Prophets.

The great eleventh century Arab general Saladin was able to exploit this bull shit to an incredibly humorous degree. In his dealings with crusader leaders, treaty negotiations would include allowing them to buy Christian artifacts that he claimed to have captured here, there and everywhere. He sold to French and German kings and princes numerous pieces of wood said by him to be relics from the true cross, and dozens of crowns of thorns, now on display in the great museums and cathedrals of Europe. You may also find encased in jewel encrusted display cases the fingers and toes of assorted martyrs and saints. On special holidays, for being a big contributor, you may be allowed to kiss one of these in search of redemption or cure.

We Christians like to think of our religious infrastructure as some kind of epitome of refinement and good taste. We look askance at “primitive” Shamans throwing bones on the ground and deriving clandestine significance from the array in which they scattered. Surely anyone with half a brain can distinguish the mystical difference between thrown bones and kissed dead fingers and toes. And yet these “relics” are annually paraded through towns all over the world on select holidays honoring Saint This Or That. I have never figured out why there has not been a collection of holy assholes of saints and notables that can be reserved for being kissed by the poor. Not everyone can afford kissing dead fingers and toes.

It is impossible to arrive at the perception of clandestine significances when we are not yet at any reality based comprehension of obvious earthly fact statements of nature. If it is OK to trash our Garden of Eden in search of wealth, even though it is called job creation, how can anyone believe God/Allah gives a damn whether you kissed some relic? In fact, it would create even more jobs if we made the effort to prevent toxic waste from spoiling the environment in the first place. This is the Gospel according to John Muir and James Audubon and other real Saints.

On the other hand, one must not forget that all this touchy feely crap will yet produce a bad result unless we continue to wage war in order to control population. We could practice more aggressive birth control to accomplish that, but birth control is a sin while war is the imperative of nations. Hell, without war one could not achieve hegemony over the homelands of others and force them to observe the conqueror’s religion while raping the girls and stealing the valuables. This is one part of the Gospel of logic.

It is with great difficulty that those of us who see our relationship with God/Allah as a relationship of reason and tolerance are trying to accommodate tolerance of those who see that relationship only as some ancient vengeance fixated belief system that calls upon them to slaughter others who see it as a modernist, more logical and tolerant model. Orthodoxy versus modernist tolerance seem to be an ongoing conflict for many people, even amongst Jews and Christians. Many of us thought that the persecution of Christians by other Christians ended with the Protestant Reformation. It didn’t. The legislatures of states within the United States now concern themselves with questions of where people may urinate, determined in accordance with ancient biblical notions of good and evil. The “evil doers” are accused of being child predators and restricted in their daily toilet habits in any public toilet facility. The inability to produce any supporting evidence of that being a problem is not perceived as daunting to the “Go pee elsewhere” people. How in hell are we ever going to deal with interfaith and international tolerance when we can’t even get over where people urinate? This is the Gospel of Utter Nonsense.

To be sure, there are many other sub Gospel doctrines within the divine Gospel inventory, limited only by the imaginations/perversions of humanity. Currently we are in the most bizarre Presidential election cycle of my lifetime. In the posited agendas and policy packages, a formerly tolerant and most powerful nation is supposed now to become misanthropic and xenophobic as the product of fear. Where can the logic be found in the notion that the most powerful should be in great fear sufficient to turn its fundamental constitutional principles on their heads? And yet the most insane of the agendas being promoted seems to have very widespread support. The meaning of that is that we are not educating people. So many have no coherent world view and no experience thinking in constitutional syllogisms. Tough decisions are shunned in favor of anger and threat. There seems to be an inability on the part of so many to appreciate that anger and threat have no metric significance in the march of civilization.

In the so called great depression – the one back in the Herbert Hoover days, not the one in the George W. Bush days – people were desperate and angry. Hopelessness enabled radicalization and the most extreme agendas could be promoted easily to large numbers of hopeless people – think the Nazis. Groups of intensely cogent, percipient people cannot allow themselves to be isolated and to lose contact with the population at large. Leaving the field to the extremists will never promote positive living conditions. It will also be the destroyer of civilizations.

The answer is that people now need to be grabbed by the scruff of the neck and dragged back into a world of tolerance. Oligarchs always ruin everything with positive potential because they only see and promote their own interests. That socio economic balance that produces the ability to live well for the greatest number of people is the only road to well being. That is the Gospel according to Seamus Muldoon.

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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